art via myrrhart (with permission)
The ferocious mama bear comes out in me when I think of the reasons why DSS might be intervening on your behalf. Are you somewhere in this world being abused, neglected, left to fend for yourself? Are you hungry, cold, dirty, drugged? It kills me to think you really could be alive and breathing and not being loved or cared for. And of course, you could not even be born yet, but I have this feeling you are either in the womb or outside living, fighting, surviving; and I pray, and pray, and pray for you. That God's protection will cover you like a shield and that you will be safe, that God is your refuge, and ever present help in the time of trouble.
God is the healer. I rest in that.
We are decorating for Fall and I didn't realize it, until now, but I bought you a pumpkin. See I bought a big one to carve, and then two little pie pumpkins. One must be for you, because normally I just buy one tiny pumpkin for your older brother. If you came tomorrow, you'd have your own pumpkin to paint.
Many families feel as if they have been waiting for a long time by the time they get approved, and sometimes I feel that way, but you didn't become real to me until I got that Approval letter from DSS. Just like when two little pink lines showed up on that pregnancy test for your brother. You didn't become real until you got a name, 'Beloved'. Just like when they announced, "It's a boy!" at my ultrasound, and your daddy just said right then and there, so we have a Micaiah! And Mommy had to say... wait a minute, a Micaiah!? We threw that name around, but, um... I know, I thought of it... but um... a Micaiah?
In my day to day, caring for your older brother tasks, I usually am so busy thinking about random things that I am suddenly jolted, that you will be coming, over the simplest, tiniest things, like putting away spoons. I turn over an infant spoon in my hand... then I think, "OH MY! Beloved is coming!" Of course, you could be eating off a toddler spoon, and that is fine, too. We have lots of those, as well.
In some ways, I'm not ready, I mean look at your room...
I have this sudden fear sometimes cleaning out this room, that I could finish everything in there quickly, and suddenly realize that then I will have to walk by a clean, empty nursery, with out you in it, for who knows how long. See, I'm keeping busy by working on your room. That way I don't think about the time from now until you arrive. It just might backfire.
God's timing is perfect. I rest in that.
Sometimes I really realize you are missing when I can tell your brother needs someone to play with (especially when he starts acting like a doggy that needs a walk!). I've started to notice that he needs you. Even though, another one will probably make me go crazier. The fact is, God has been preparing our hearts for you, and that means you really will come.
Yesterday, your older brother thought we were going to see you. He asked when we pulled into our friend's house, if this was Beloved's? He refers to your room now, as "Beloved's room." He even put his stuffed lion, Asland, if your crib to wait for you.
So, beloved. We are getting ready for you, and we are excited for you and all that you will bring.
We love you!